Content advisory: identity issues, adoption, and internalized racism.

My 13-year-old daughter, “Fiona,” has recently become very interested in her ancestry. I supported this and got her a membership to Ancestry.com and helped her gather family records on my side. My husband has been less enthusiastic. He was adopted as a very young child and has always told me he knows nothing about his biological heritage and doesn’t want to find out because his adopted family are his only real family. For the record, my husband and kids are best described as racially ambiguous. Most people would guess a mix of Mongolian, Filipino, or Mexican.
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Fiona has been directly asking her dad if she can look into the adoption. My husband has dodged the question for a few weeks saying he’ll think about it. A few nights ago, I asked my husband why he is so averse to learning about his biological parents. His adopted parents would definitely understand, they are very lovely and open-minded people. After some pressing, he suddenly confessed that he does know his biological mother’s name and heritage and has known for years. His heritage is American Indigenous.

I was shocked and hurt at this information, as it meant he had been lying to me for years. I asked him why and he confessed that he has always been embarrassed about being Indigenous, to come from people who were, and I quote, “Pretty much all alcoholics living on welfare.”

This is very out of character for him. We live in a southern state but are both liberals. He has always said that he believes poverty and alcoholism are due to systemic factors, not laziness or lack of self-control. He even has a friend who struggled with alcoholism and I NEVER saw him judge his friend for it.
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I told him he should go to therapy about this, and he said he didn’t want to. When I told him this was unhealthy and pushed him, he agreed, but I think he was just doing it to end the conversation and will not end up going. At the end though he made me promise not to tell Fiona and I reluctantly agreed.

Later, I spoke to Fiona privately and told her that her dad’s adoption is a sensitive topic for him and to stop asking about it. But I feel it’s wrong to lie to her and her two younger brothers about their heritage. And when they do find out, I don’t want them to think being Indigenous is something shameful to be hidden. Plus, I am mad at my husband for not telling me knew his biological family all this time. I know it’s a personal thing, but we’ve been married for over fifteen years!

I am looking for advice on how to talk to my husband and hopefully my children about this.

— Questions of Heritage

Dear Heritage,

You need to let go of your anger about your husband’s untruthfulness. I understand your feelings of shock and disappointment at uncovering a secret like this, but this isn’t a secret he kept from you—he kept it from everyone. Instead of being upset at the fact that he covered this up, try to understand his feelings and motives, and do your best to support him in what is clearly a very complicated aspect of his identity.

Second, understand that while people can intellectually know a set of facts, that doesn’t always translate to how we react when it comes to our own personal experiences. (I think about the letters we receive about parents struggling with their child’s gender identity, or systemic racism.) He may also know or assume something about his adoption that has impacted his opinions on this matter.

I think it was good that you suggested your husband go to therapy. But if he is not really willing to go—and not just go, but openly explore things once he’s there—you can’t make him. And that might be OK. In reflecting on your husband’s situation, without having been party to these conversations, I do wonder if this is one of those occasions where not everything that is “broken” needs fixing. If your husband has been able to lead a happy, successful life without confronting issues around his heritage, you might just let it be.

Regarding Fiona: Your husband needs to come to terms with the fact that this secret will probably be revealed at some point. DNA and ancestry sleuthing is more common with each passing day. To me, the question is not if the kids will find out, but when. You and your husband can decide whether you are comfortable letting fate decide that timing, or whether you want to be proactive. If the latter, figure out a trigger point when he will be willing to be honest with his kids—maybe it’s when they reach a certain age, or once one of them does a DNA swab.

This is a situation with no “correct” way forward. Do what you can to let your husband control the narrative of his own life without outright lying to your daughter. If you and he can work together to strike that balance, you can at least rest assured that you acted with respect and sensitivity.