I am a man in his 50s, married to my second wife for 16 years. Our sex life has clearly diminished over the course of the years—with quick, routine sex before sleep at best every two to three months or so. As a result I have focused my sexual energy (which I definitely still have) toward erotic fantasies about my wife. I envision her in all sort of wild, tabooless sex with strangers and friends alike.
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As I possess some pretty decent Photoshop skills, I have started to visualize these fantasies in very convincing fake pictures—of a high quality, almost arty level (at least, so I like to flatter myself thinking). I have kept these pictures strictly for myself, occasionally masturbating to them, although I find the real thrill in making up and realizing the erotic scenes. It’s simply a nonharmful way to channel my sexual energy. Regrettably, my wife has run into the pictures, and she is disgusted by them, although I have ensured her they are only for myself and I have no desire whatsoever to see any of these fantasies actually come true. Am I really doing such a horrendous thing? I am not the cheating kind, I would never leave my wife, and the only thing I afford myself—just to keep my libido satisfied—is creating these erotic visuals. Should I give up my secret “hobby”?


There are two very different questions here, although you are only asking one: Should you give up your secret “hobby”? Absolutely. They may be Photoshopped, but they are recognizable images of your wife, and she is deeply, deeply opposed to them. Delete them, empty your trash, apologize.

I know that you have said you will never leave your wife, but you need to be asking yourself about the way forward. Sexual incompatibility is a big deal, and it can really eat away at intimacy if you let it. Are you able to cope with your conflicting libidos without these images? Can you share your fantasies with her? Would she be OK if you masturbated next to her? This discovery has created a logical moment in your marriage for you to put everything on the table. She may also be discontented with your sex life, and I have hopes that eventually you may be able to come a little closer together (pun very much not intended).

Keep in mind that she is still recovering from what she found, which must have been an extreme shock. She likely is creeped out and needs a little time. Maybe it might be wise to say, “I’ve deleted all the pictures. You are welcome to look. Can we have a talk about our sex lives in a month? I’m so, so sorry to have upset you in this way, and I recognize that I should not have done what I did.” You’re in the doghouse now, but, if or when things are back to normal, don’t let them go back into stasis. —Danny M. Lavery

[apparently this is a repost]