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(This letter is from just before last Christmas)
I have three adult children, 28, 25, and 22. The older two maintain regular contact with my mother. The youngest, “Kelsey,” has cut off contact. The reason? My mom called Kelsey to wish her a happy birthday a few months ago. Kelsey was out with friends and talked for about 15 minutes before getting off the phone. My mom was upset Kelsey cut the call short, then asked my other children why Kelsey was upset with her, which of course got back to Kelsey.
Kelsey now thinks my mom is “holding a grudge” against her (Kelsey’s words) because Kelsey didn’t want to speak on the phone for a long time. I think it’s ridiculous that Kelsey cut off contact over this misunderstanding. I have repeatedly asked her to just pick up the phone and call her grandma, but she keeps saying her grandma should make the first move, and that she doesn’t want to engage with someone who holds grudges and “keeps score.”
My mom is deeply upset to no longer have a relationship with her granddaughter. The holidays are upon us, and they’ll soon be in the same room. What can I do to mediate the conflict between them and restore family harmony?
—Stuck in Seattle
Dear Stuck in Seattle,
This is a matter of communication, not cutoffs.
Point out to Kelsey that, in refusing to speak to her grandmother because she didn’t like Grandma’s response to their birthday call, she is also nursing a grudge. A childish one. It’s just as “toxic” for her to cut off communication when no harm has been inflicted. If Kelsey knows that your mother prefers longer phone calls, suggest that she only engage in calls with her when she has 30 minutes to an hour to spare. Suggest that, rather than cutting her grandmother off altogether, she takes the healthier approach and communicates her feelings to her grandmother. If she feels she needs to, she should also set her boundaries clearly.
If her grandmother still chooses to be upset about the length of their phone calls, Kelsey can then explain that, unfortunately, they won’t be able to talk much if she can’t end a call without being made to feel guilty.
If you think it may matter to her, remind Kelsey that our time with our elderly relatives is limited. They may have different expectations of us than younger elders, but it’s worthwhile to fulfill those expectations if they are reasonable. We won’t always be able to.
—Stacia
https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/11/christmas-mil-parenting-advice.html
Kelsey now thinks my mom is “holding a grudge” against her (Kelsey’s words) because Kelsey didn’t want to speak on the phone for a long time. I think it’s ridiculous that Kelsey cut off contact over this misunderstanding. I have repeatedly asked her to just pick up the phone and call her grandma, but she keeps saying her grandma should make the first move, and that she doesn’t want to engage with someone who holds grudges and “keeps score.”
My mom is deeply upset to no longer have a relationship with her granddaughter. The holidays are upon us, and they’ll soon be in the same room. What can I do to mediate the conflict between them and restore family harmony?
—Stuck in Seattle
Dear Stuck in Seattle,
This is a matter of communication, not cutoffs.
Point out to Kelsey that, in refusing to speak to her grandmother because she didn’t like Grandma’s response to their birthday call, she is also nursing a grudge. A childish one. It’s just as “toxic” for her to cut off communication when no harm has been inflicted. If Kelsey knows that your mother prefers longer phone calls, suggest that she only engage in calls with her when she has 30 minutes to an hour to spare. Suggest that, rather than cutting her grandmother off altogether, she takes the healthier approach and communicates her feelings to her grandmother. If she feels she needs to, she should also set her boundaries clearly.
If her grandmother still chooses to be upset about the length of their phone calls, Kelsey can then explain that, unfortunately, they won’t be able to talk much if she can’t end a call without being made to feel guilty.
If you think it may matter to her, remind Kelsey that our time with our elderly relatives is limited. They may have different expectations of us than younger elders, but it’s worthwhile to fulfill those expectations if they are reasonable. We won’t always be able to.
—Stacia
https://slate.com/human-interest/2021/11/christmas-mil-parenting-advice.html