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agonyaunt2020-08-26 10:56 am
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2020-08-26 10:56 am
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Dear Prudence: My in-law wants to be a published author
(That title really doesn't cover it but it was the best I could do.)
Dear Prudence,
My in-law has severe mental health issues and a history of violent behaviors, stalking, and delusions. He is medicated, but he is still clearly “off.” My husband’s family has expressed concerns about relapses. He has delusions of grandeur about becoming a big novelist like George R.R. Martin. He gets aggressive when he talks about it. He has been arrested for trespassing at the houses of publishers and literary agents and sending harassing, threatening messages. At a family function, I quietly mentioned that I recently got my book published. I had no idea he was around. Later on, he said that he overheard me and would like the name of my editor, publisher, and agent. I panicked and told him he must have misheard—I haven’t written a book. My husband’s family agreed not to say anything or let anything slip. They agreed that what I did was the best response, because he wouldn’t accept “I’d prefer not to divulge that information” as an answer.
Eventually, he confronted me with the release page for my book, including publisher and agent information. Prudence, what else could I say but that it’s not me? I feel bad playing with his already tenuous sense of reality, but what else can I do? I feel like I’m too far to turn back now. I’m worried that I’m being ableist, but his transgressions are on record, in the family *and* the news, and they are severe. How do I handle this going forward? Do I keep lying? Do I avoid all family gatherings he might be at? Was I wrong for lying in the first place?
—Gaslighter?
This is a doozy! I think we can do some things to help. In terms of “gaslighting,” you told a single, brief, instinctual lie out of fear he would harass your team, which is very forgivable. It got dicey when you decided to double down on the lie and got the whole family involved with it. I don’t want someone with mental health issues to have more reason to be paranoid or to think people are conspiring behind his back.
There is no need to keep lying. I note that you said “he wouldn’t accept” a statement from you that you would rather not talk about this. That’s untrue. You do not have to alter your reasonable boundary because someone keeps hacking away at it.
I encourage you to use the pandemic as an excuse to avoid family gatherings as much as possible. Next time you see him, if he brings up the book, you can say, “Yes, that’s my book. I’m sorry, my team has wanted me to keep it under the radar for now” (this is not a lie; your “team” is you, your husband’s family, and, if you have one, a dog). He does not have to accept this, but neither do you need to accept his nonacceptance of it. Leave the room! Go to the bathroom! Listen to “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” for more ideas.
I think the more space you can put between you and this man, the better. You do not have to have these conversations. I would give your agent and your publisher a heads-up in case he tries to enter one of their buildings. I would also talk to your husband’s family about your concerns so they’re aware he may have a relapse and that you can’t keep hiding the book forever.
Congratulations on the book!
Dear Prudence,
My in-law has severe mental health issues and a history of violent behaviors, stalking, and delusions. He is medicated, but he is still clearly “off.” My husband’s family has expressed concerns about relapses. He has delusions of grandeur about becoming a big novelist like George R.R. Martin. He gets aggressive when he talks about it. He has been arrested for trespassing at the houses of publishers and literary agents and sending harassing, threatening messages. At a family function, I quietly mentioned that I recently got my book published. I had no idea he was around. Later on, he said that he overheard me and would like the name of my editor, publisher, and agent. I panicked and told him he must have misheard—I haven’t written a book. My husband’s family agreed not to say anything or let anything slip. They agreed that what I did was the best response, because he wouldn’t accept “I’d prefer not to divulge that information” as an answer.
Eventually, he confronted me with the release page for my book, including publisher and agent information. Prudence, what else could I say but that it’s not me? I feel bad playing with his already tenuous sense of reality, but what else can I do? I feel like I’m too far to turn back now. I’m worried that I’m being ableist, but his transgressions are on record, in the family *and* the news, and they are severe. How do I handle this going forward? Do I keep lying? Do I avoid all family gatherings he might be at? Was I wrong for lying in the first place?
—Gaslighter?
This is a doozy! I think we can do some things to help. In terms of “gaslighting,” you told a single, brief, instinctual lie out of fear he would harass your team, which is very forgivable. It got dicey when you decided to double down on the lie and got the whole family involved with it. I don’t want someone with mental health issues to have more reason to be paranoid or to think people are conspiring behind his back.
There is no need to keep lying. I note that you said “he wouldn’t accept” a statement from you that you would rather not talk about this. That’s untrue. You do not have to alter your reasonable boundary because someone keeps hacking away at it.
I encourage you to use the pandemic as an excuse to avoid family gatherings as much as possible. Next time you see him, if he brings up the book, you can say, “Yes, that’s my book. I’m sorry, my team has wanted me to keep it under the radar for now” (this is not a lie; your “team” is you, your husband’s family, and, if you have one, a dog). He does not have to accept this, but neither do you need to accept his nonacceptance of it. Leave the room! Go to the bathroom! Listen to “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” for more ideas.
I think the more space you can put between you and this man, the better. You do not have to have these conversations. I would give your agent and your publisher a heads-up in case he tries to enter one of their buildings. I would also talk to your husband’s family about your concerns so they’re aware he may have a relapse and that you can’t keep hiding the book forever.
Congratulations on the book!