conuly: (Default)
conuly ([personal profile] conuly) wrote in [community profile] agonyaunt2020-05-07 01:13 am

Teen Chafes Under Dad's Strict Style Of Parenting

DEAR ABBY: I am a teenage girl in an average family. I started getting interested in LGBTQ+ and other social justice topics when I was in fifth grade.

Since then, I have realized that, among other things, I'm a lesbian, a liberal and an atheist. This wouldn't be a problem, but my father hates many of the things I am or stand for. He's an extremely conservative, Christian, gun-rights person, and he wants me and my brothers to join the military. He constantly pushes me to be the best that I can be, and I try, but his idea of best is very different from mine.

I have several mental problems, which resulted in me getting special privileges in school. I use them whenever I can, but it is never enough for him. He keeps searching through my grade book until he finds something new for me to do, regardless of the date it was assigned or whether it can be graded anymore.

I have various restrictions on my use of technology, so I can barely contact my friends. It has gotten to the point that I am worried about when I come out and looking forward to college just so I can get away. Please tell me what to do in the meantime because college is five years away. -- WAITING IN VIRGINIA


DEAR WAITING: You and your dad have very different outlooks on life, and that's OK. That said, you must live under his roof for the next five years, so be diplomatic and keep some of your opinions to yourself as long as possible.

You may think your father is heavy-handed in parenting you, but has it occurred to you that when he goes through your grade book, he's trying to make sure you know how to work all the problems in it? Placing restrictions on a minor's use of technology is intelligent parenting, at least for someone just entering her teens. Please try to cut him some slack. Recognize there is a bright future ahead of you if you concentrate on your studies to the best of your ability and buckle down now.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearabby/s-2357954
dine: (my two cents - mmwd)

[personal profile] dine 2020-05-07 05:51 am (UTC)(link)
wow, way to completely miss the the point - and all the important considerations
colorwheel: aragorn wielding his sword (sword)

[personal profile] colorwheel 2020-05-07 05:51 am (UTC)(link)
i literally find this advice to be potentially dangerous for this kid. it's so much worse than no response.
ashbet: (Default)

[personal profile] ashbet 2020-05-07 05:57 am (UTC)(link)
Welp, this is the kind of advice that had me suicidal as a teenager -- sure, it's totally FINE to have a parent who tells you that nothing you do is ever good enough, nitpicks every tiny error, and doesn't respect that you are struggling with mental-health issues.

Even advice to reach out to a school counselor or other trusted adult would have been so much better advice.

This poor kid :(
rosefox: Green books on library shelves. (Default)

[personal profile] rosefox 2020-05-07 06:41 am (UTC)(link)
Oh, this hurts my heart. This poor kid.
cimorene: cartoony drawing of a woman's head in profile giving dubious side-eye (Default)

[personal profile] cimorene 2020-05-07 08:29 am (UTC)(link)
YIKES, sometimes I really want to cast Abby into Mount Doom.
rymenhild: Manuscript page from British Library MS Harley 913 (Default)

[personal profile] rymenhild 2020-05-07 10:50 am (UTC)(link)
Oh my God this advice could not be worse
julian: Picture of the sign for Julian Street. (Default)

[personal profile] julian 2020-05-07 12:43 pm (UTC)(link)
...wow, no.
cereta: My daughter Judges You (Frog Judges You)

[personal profile] cereta 2020-05-07 01:55 pm (UTC)(link)
And another kid I wish I could adopt. She and the small fanperson would get on like a house on fire. Perhaps literally on fire, but still.

Also, Abby's advice could maybe be worse, but not much.
likeaduck: Cristina from Grey's Anatomy runs towards the hospital as dawn breaks, carrying her motorcycle helmet. (self: autobiography cover art)

[personal profile] likeaduck 2020-05-07 02:08 pm (UTC)(link)
Literally-on-fire would potentially be better than the current situation.
watersword: Keira Knightley, in Pride and Prejudice (2007), turning her head away from the viewer, the word "elizabeth" written near (Default)

[personal profile] watersword 2020-05-07 02:21 pm (UTC)(link)
Oh my god this poor child. How did this get past an editor????
minoanmiss: Statuette of Minoan woman in worshipful pose. (Statuette Worshipper)

[personal profile] minoanmiss 2020-05-07 02:23 pm (UTC)(link)
Nooooooooooooo
cereta: Bea Arthur as Dorothy (Dorothy Z)

[personal profile] cereta 2020-05-07 02:48 pm (UTC)(link)
Probably the same way Annie's "stay in this abusive relationship" advice does.
green_grrl: (Default)

[personal profile] green_grrl 2020-05-07 03:01 pm (UTC)(link)
Holy shit, this is terrible. Out of everything, “keep some all of your opinions to yourself as long as possible” is good advice for this kid’s personal safety, not politeness or whatever. Abby can take a flying leap on the rest of it.
lemonsharks: (Default)

[personal profile] lemonsharks 2020-05-07 03:02 pm (UTC)(link)
I want to gently shuffle this little bird in the direction of Hola, Papí! and then, my house, where I can be her new mother for the duration of her gay adolescence.
cereta: (frog was made by science)

[personal profile] cereta 2020-05-07 03:14 pm (UTC)(link)
You know, when I was going through, well, everything we went through to have a kid, I would look at abusive, neglectful, or just plain awful people who seemed to have kids effortlessly and feel more than a little bitter. Now, I look at kids like this, and all of us who would love a bright, social-justice-minded critical thinker (which I am lucky enough to have, don't get me wrong), and want to punch their "parents" in the junk.
mommy: Wanda Maximoff; Scarlet Witch (Default)

[personal profile] mommy 2020-05-07 05:22 pm (UTC)(link)
The father's behavior is going to lead the letter writer to hiding everything important to her from him, possibly forever. This is not "intelligent parenting."
erika: (sga: le french)

[personal profile] erika 2020-05-07 06:43 pm (UTC)(link)
I wish I believed that it was the editors who wrote "special privileges" instead of "accommodations"... but I'm confident it was the poor young LW and that's a reflection of the language used at home to minimize and diminish their needs as well as heap stigma on their neurodiversity.
shirou: (cloud)

[personal profile] shirou 2020-05-07 06:50 pm (UTC)(link)
Gee, I wonder if some of this poor girl's mental health problems are the result of her father's "heavy-handed" parenting?

Newspapers should protest Abby's dangerous advice by refusing to run her column.
mommy: Wanda Maximoff; Scarlet Witch (Default)

[personal profile] mommy 2020-05-07 08:29 pm (UTC)(link)
Yep.
jadelennox: Senora Sabasa Garcia, by Goya (Default)

[personal profile] jadelennox 2020-05-07 09:18 pm (UTC)(link)
Abby needs to be shut down, seriously. This is dangerous; she should have just not printed the letter if she's unwilling to engage with the core dangerous point.
jadelennox: Senora Sabasa Garcia, by Goya (Default)

[personal profile] jadelennox 2020-05-07 09:19 pm (UTC)(link)
Please tell us the commenters agree that this answer shits the bed.
ayebydan: (hp: flying)

[personal profile] ayebydan 2020-05-08 12:25 am (UTC)(link)
This poor kid.
cynthia1960: cartoon of me with gray hair wearing glasses (Default)

[personal profile] cynthia1960 2020-05-08 03:08 am (UTC)(link)
OMG, I want a transporter to get that kid the fuck out of there and an orbital laser targeted at that father.
azurelunatic: Vivid pink Alaskan wild rose. (Default)

[personal profile] azurelunatic 2020-05-08 06:46 am (UTC)(link)
Make a safety plan in case he finds out.
kindkit: Haddock and Tintin kissing; Haddock is in leather gear (Tintin: gay icon)

[personal profile] kindkit 2020-05-08 07:25 am (UTC)(link)
I looked at some of the comments. That was a very big mistake.
cereta: Young woman turning her head swiftly as if looking for something (Anjesa looking for Shadow)

[personal profile] cereta 2020-05-08 02:07 pm (UTC)(link)
I knew as soon as the LW used the words "social justice" that some people would be horrid. Those words are like a red flag to a bull to even some of the better commenters.
cereta: Jenny, the Doctor's daughter (Jenny)

[personal profile] cereta 2020-05-08 04:02 pm (UTC)(link)
I have so many blocked that I gave up participating. Well, that and even blocking didn't prevent my stalker from harassing me.
lilysea: Serious (Default)

[personal profile] lilysea 2020-05-08 05:23 pm (UTC)(link)
Dear LW,
Do you have a trusted friend/relative/teacher who can hold onto
a copy of your birth certificate/social security number/other ID documents
in case you get outed and then thrown out of home without warning?

Because that is a good plan...
malkingrey: (Default)

[personal profile] malkingrey 2020-05-10 04:43 pm (UTC)(link)
I find myself wondering -- especially in view of that other letter to a different columnist that garnered a similar sympathetic but useless reply -- if the columnists saw the opening sentences that read "I am a teenager/a 14-year old" and got that sinking "Oh, shit, I'm going to have to run this one past Legal" feeling (because, minor/underage correspondent), and Legal, being trained to consider worst-case scenarios, essentially said, "No, you can't say that," to any advice more specific than expressions of sympathy.

Which would be fairly spineless of Legal, if so, but legal departments aren't paid to have spines.