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agonyaunt2020-03-10 02:25 pm
minoanmiss) wrote in agonyaunt2020-03-10 02:25 pm
Entry tags:
Dear Care & Feeding: I Outed My Daughter
But should I have to lie for her?
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 16-year-old daughter is out (as bi) to her friends and immediate family, but not to her grandparents. While I was having dinner the other night with my mother-in-law, she asked point-blank if she’s gay. Not knowing how to answer (and frankly, new at this), I answered with the truth. I told my husband via text about this and my daughter read that text and now knows about my revelation. I feel terrible. I apologized to her for violating her trust, sharing information that wasn’t mine to share. She’s furious with me for “outing” her. I asked her how I should have handled it, and she said I should have lied and said she is straight. I told her that it wasn’t fair for her to ask me to do that and I need a better way. This is where it stands today. How can I answer these sorts of questions in the future without compromising my daughter’s trust? Help!
—New Bi Mom
Dear NBM,
We often tell our kids that honesty is the best policy, and that’s true like 98 percent of the time. But congratulations, you’ve found the 2 percent of the time when it’s not. This is one of those times where your daughter’s story should always remain completely and exclusively hers to tell. Period. Coming out feels (and is) very dangerous to many of us, and we pick our spots for our emotional—and often physical—protection. This right of safety is protected by one inviolable rule: Never, ever out someone against their will. In doing so to your daughter, you more than violated her trust; you robbed her of the ability to determine her own safety.
I acknowledge that “Mom, lie for me” feels dramatically antithetical to the values you’re probably trying to instill, and that’s totally valid. But if you’re going to be a loving mother to a queer child, you must begin to recognize that there is something bigger here than that. It is not dishonest for her not to tell people of her orientation. She 1 million percent gets to decide who knows and when. And I get that it makes you uncomfortable, but I guarantee it makes her way more uncomfortable to be outed by the person she needs to be protecting her.
So you didn’t know and now you know. You did your best, and I’m glad to hear you apologized to her. Now let go of your own personal sense of wounding, work it out with a therapist or friend (not your daughter), and try to learn from the situation. And in the future, the answer to any question about her orientation should always be whatever your daughter tells you to say.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My 16-year-old daughter is out (as bi) to her friends and immediate family, but not to her grandparents. While I was having dinner the other night with my mother-in-law, she asked point-blank if she’s gay. Not knowing how to answer (and frankly, new at this), I answered with the truth. I told my husband via text about this and my daughter read that text and now knows about my revelation. I feel terrible. I apologized to her for violating her trust, sharing information that wasn’t mine to share. She’s furious with me for “outing” her. I asked her how I should have handled it, and she said I should have lied and said she is straight. I told her that it wasn’t fair for her to ask me to do that and I need a better way. This is where it stands today. How can I answer these sorts of questions in the future without compromising my daughter’s trust? Help!
—New Bi Mom
Dear NBM,
We often tell our kids that honesty is the best policy, and that’s true like 98 percent of the time. But congratulations, you’ve found the 2 percent of the time when it’s not. This is one of those times where your daughter’s story should always remain completely and exclusively hers to tell. Period. Coming out feels (and is) very dangerous to many of us, and we pick our spots for our emotional—and often physical—protection. This right of safety is protected by one inviolable rule: Never, ever out someone against their will. In doing so to your daughter, you more than violated her trust; you robbed her of the ability to determine her own safety.
I acknowledge that “Mom, lie for me” feels dramatically antithetical to the values you’re probably trying to instill, and that’s totally valid. But if you’re going to be a loving mother to a queer child, you must begin to recognize that there is something bigger here than that. It is not dishonest for her not to tell people of her orientation. She 1 million percent gets to decide who knows and when. And I get that it makes you uncomfortable, but I guarantee it makes her way more uncomfortable to be outed by the person she needs to be protecting her.
So you didn’t know and now you know. You did your best, and I’m glad to hear you apologized to her. Now let go of your own personal sense of wounding, work it out with a therapist or friend (not your daughter), and try to learn from the situation. And in the future, the answer to any question about her orientation should always be whatever your daughter tells you to say.